So I woke up this morning from a dream about Paris with tourist me attemptng to get the perfect picture of the Effiel tower only to realize that I wasn't really there. I knew something didn't look right about my minds eye tower. For one thing it was only halfway lit up. And the rest was in the dark. How can this be right for the city of lights? Also something about the surrounding scene was cartoon-like. When I was really there in 2018 on my honeymoon, we were crusin down the river Siene, when I noticed the only light visible was that of star’s moonless sky. It seemed that someone shut the switch off on the rest of the city. We were deprived of that experience. The mum speakers meant to narrate kept secrets not caring to say what infamous historical site we were passing next. One looming dark building creeping by after another cast shadows on our innocent marriage. This cruise was recommended by my mother and the travel agent who had no clue how they paved our marriage with good intentions or how DISAPPOINTING AND ERIEILY SILENT a union like this could be. The silence of the disapproving and deserted river bank except for the lonely hum of the riverboat engine moving slowly through the black water of our unimagined life together. We were expecting more. I was expecting so much more. I was in pain not only from the dent this trip put in my bank account but from heartbreak. At that moment it was decided this was to be my first and the last time in Paris. Life is full of disappointments and we better get used to it now, my mothers words echoing in my head. It was hard for me not to compare Paris to New York, initially being bright eyed and hopeful for my future there as an artist. Spending a year in college learning the subway like the back of my hand. Always the stench in the underground atmosphere, smelling of piss. Trains traveling through mazes forcing steam to rise from the bowels of the city through the grates in the dirty sidewalks. Herds of people plowing over them hoping not to catch a heel or fall through what was romanticized by Hollywood movies. Familiar feeling of fear mixed with anxiety attack had to push back down my throat knowing it was too late to turn back now and reminding myself this is what I signed up for. Reluctantly leaving my safe place in NJ and returning years later, still scared to walk alone. Taking out flashlight slash stun gun from my theft proof purse to illuminate dark places on purpose. Exposing despicable to me evil intentions sending message I'm not to be messed with. Returning my mind to cartoon movie heroine of her story wielding lipsstick stun gun. She confidently used to capture a man. Her man whom she so admired for his crime of attempting to steal the moon. Before that night, I only dreamed this was possible.
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I enjoyed this piece, Terri! It included a lot of history, and life, and the travails. Reminded me of the days when in Austin, Texas, young women carried these little pepper sprays in lieu of mace Walking from the music scene to my car alone, I always had my car keys between my fingers so I'd be ready to stab an attacker, and the spray at hand. I was lucky and never had to use it..
I want to see change happen where we don't have to fear for our lives just walking down the street.